submission

We have been so blessed to have prayers lifted up for us and words of encouragement said to us. I am immensely grateful for them.

As I am immensely grateful for the people who have given voice to them.

In the past few weeks, I have been told that God will take care of us. I have been told that God will deliver us. I have been told that God will bless us.

The thing is I do not doubt any of these.

I have faith that God will take care of us, that He will deliver us, that He will bless us.

That is who God is.

And yet.

There is a line in a Casting Crowns song that we discovered recently (and that we love) that talks about the difference between "the God we want" and "the God who is".

The reality is that God could take care of us, could deliver us, could bless us by letting us have a child who has Downs or Edwards.

If that is God's plan for us, then ultimately that care, that deliverance, that blessing will come. I know this in my head, even though I cannot see it now.

And because I cannot see it now, it is simply not what I want. It is not what I would choose. It is not how I want God to be. This is my biggest struggle right now. To reconcile the outcome that I want, with the outcome that God chooses to give. The nub of it all is submission.

I am struggling to submit my heart's wants, desires, dreams to what God has planned for me, for us. I am struggling to trade my dreams for His. To not be caught in the middle.

i am...

... learning to live beyond myself. (Yay for online bible studies!)

... appreciating kids who are well.

... having fun with introducing N to solids.

... enjoying my time with the preschoolers at church.

... tired out at the end of each day!

... loving my family.

... forgetting that N is adopted.

... thankful that the two older ones love having the little one around.

... happy that K had the day off today.

... surprised at how much I enjoy the music of Imagination Movers.

... believing God.

... trying to get back to cooking more often.

... listening to Christmas music already.

... tickled by the kids' singing and dancing.

... glad that the kids are in bed early tonight.

... missing cooler weather.

... accepting that there will always be laundry to do.

... being random.

a praying parent

Your prayers for your children will not shield them from heartache or even from wrong turns. Your prayers do, however, guarantee that every problem, every difficulty, every wrong choice is already factored into God's big picture. Every struggle will forge in them a deeper faith and deeper love for the Father. This is what you want for them. Let God do His work in them.

Jennifer Kennedy Dean, Legacy of Prayer: A Spiritual Trust Fund for the Generations

secret whisper

How much do I love it, that as I'm sitting down in cell group, J sneaks over to me and whispers, "Mom, I have a secret to tell you." Then he whispers right into my ear, "I love you."

It is for moments like these.

recognition

Each and every time he wakes up and sees me, he gives me a smile that melts my heart.

Do you think he recognises me already?

Because I like to think that he does.

It is the little things that I have taken for granted. It was the most natural thing for J and E to know me, to want me, to attach to me. I didn't even have to think about it.

But it's something that Noah will have to learn.

In his experience, he's had to fend for himself, soothe himself. Now he'll have to learn that he can rely on us. That we are here to soothe him. That we will be here each time he wakes up and opens his eyes. That we will always be his mom and dad.

first week home

He's got such a sweet smile...

The just-woke-up look...

They are still loving him!

We had a chance to share a little with our church family today our reasons for adopting Noah (not everyone reads the blog). I was thankful for it. This will be Noah's church family too, and it was important to me that they understood why we chose this path. So K did the honours and both of us (he onstage and me offstage) teared up a little when he explained how Noah is our son. He may have grown inside someone's body, but he is our son, the son God planned for us to have.

It's been hard work with the three kids. The hardest part of the day is when the two older ones come back home from school. They'll always still bouncing off the walls a little and are not particularly inclined to obey me quickly and easily. It's been a lesson in patience for me.

Even with the harder moments, it feels wonderful to have N home with us. Adopting him is my path of obedience. And as he settles down into his life with us, we look forward to his healing. Healing of some physical ailments. Healing of his emotional loss. Healing that only God can work out.

pre-school routines

Each morning, I shepherd both kids into the car, buckle them into their seats and drive them to school.

Each morning as we walk from our car to their school, I say a prayer aloud for them, so that they know that I am praying for them, and that I am asking God to cover their day. I almost always pray for the same things - that they will have a fun time learning, that they will have fun with their friends and teachers, that they will be healthy, and that they will be kept safe in their day. Sometimes we pray for their teachers and their classmates too. In the early days of settling into school, this was a real comfort to J: he would ask me to pray for him over and over again. Ad nauseum.

Each morning, they get their temperatures taken and hands and feet checked before they step into their class. J always goes first, E will not sit down until he's done. As each of them take their backpacks and water bottles from me, I tell them to have a good day, I tell them that I'll see them later and that I love them. Then I give them a little kiss on their heads. J is always moving away from me as I do this. Is he old enough to feel embarrassed by this already? So one morning I skip his kiss. He takes a step, then stops.

"Mom, aren't you forgetting something?" he asks. And points to his head.

And so I get to kiss my little man, who is growing up faster than I want him to. And feel gratified that my gestures of affection are still appreciated!

standing at the edge

Noah comes home in about three weeks' time.

We've been praying and preparing for this for a while now; we only have to apply and wait for his Dependent's Pass and then he'll be here. Home with us.

Even at this point, I in my weakness wonder what I'm getting myself into. How we will all adapt to have a new baby in the house. Getting used to bottle-feeding, which two children on, is still completely new to me. Waking up at night for feedings. Hustling three kids, instead of just two kids now, out of the house in the mornings, and herding three kids back into the house after school. Managing meal-times, bath-times and settling-down-for-nap-times with three!

And then there's how J and E will be toward Noah. They're incredibly excited now, but I wonder if the novelty will quickly wear itself out and if they'll start acting up.

And then there's me. I want to love Noah exactly the same way that I love J and E. But I carried them for nine months inside me. Even before I met them, I felt them within. And I worked hard through labour to be able to hold them and love them. It is all different with Noah, and because it is different, I am not quite sure what lies ahead.

Our pastor spoke from 1 Joshua yesterday at church. After Moses' death, the Israelites stood at the edge of their promised land. They had been here before, only they had been too afraid before, and instead of stepping forward, they held back and so wandered the desert for forty years. As they stand there, the Lord tells Joshua, "Be strong and courageous." To make sure it sank in, He said it three times.

I am standing at the edge now, just before this land that God has led us to. We can't quite see all of the land that lies before us. We're not quite sure of what lies in the hidden valleys. We don't know yet what sort of fruit the land will bear.

But God knows all this. And yesterday, He reminded me, "Be strong and courageous... for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

sweet, generous heart

Today has been one of those days.

J comes home from school, grouchy and whiny when he realises that we're not going anywhere but home.

E's whiny and crying because she wants to wear the pretty dress that's in the laundry. Crying because she wants kor-kor's man-with-sticky-feet toy that he got from a goodie bag from school. Crying because she doesn't want me to brush her hair after her bath. Crying in all probability because she just really needed a nap straight after school.

Time to count my blessings.

J and E have their names put up on their bedroom doors in cute colourful letters. A couple of days ago, we bought letters for Noah too. J found them before leaving for school this morning, and wanted to know what they were for. After I explained to him that we would stick the letters on his door, so that it could be the boys' room in the future, he said, "But what about mei-mei? Then she'll be all alone in her room..."

And that is just how he is: sensitive to other people's feelings and wanting to be inclusive.

Oh, and his solution - he says he can sleep with daddy and Noah, and I can sleep with mei-mei.

passport

When we tried to book our tickets to Manila on Monday night, we realised that we needed a new passport for E. Her current one still has her six-month-old baby picture in it. She looks plenty different now. (Hair!) So Tuesday morning, I dropped off her application at ICA. According to their website, a new passport would take three working days to process. And ta-dah - in the mail today, we received notification to pick up her passport next Monday.

I love it when our civil service works.

In contrast, we've been told that we have to wait 20 business days for Noah's passport. Seriously. TWENTY?!

On a separate note, K and I leave for our first holiday without the kids tomorrow, in celebration of our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. These are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts: It doesn't feel like 7 years. I can't bear to leave the kids. But there's shopping and food and Thai massage to be had, so yay! But what if I miss the kids too much? And what if they miss me too much? But then, how nice it'd be to eat a meal slowly and shop without having to call someone out from under the clothes racks...

in the papyrus basket

I have been thinking about Moses' story. Moses who led his people out of slavery, who parted the waters, and who could do all that because he was adopted when he was around three months old.

I am thinking about Moses' story because Noah is about the same age now as Moses was when his mother put him in a papyrus basket and pushed him out into the Nile. Her action took faith; she put her "fine child" into God's hands.

And God was there.

This is how we know. With perfect timing, Pharaoh's daughter was there, bathing with her attendants. With clarify of vision, she saw the papyrus basket among the reeds. With compassion in her heart, she heard Moses' small cry and spared his life, in defiance of her father.

Noah is in his own papyrus basket now, wending his way toward us. God has led us to wait expectantly for him, even while we do all we can to smooth out his way toward us. We are praying for his passport to be ready soon. (Meanwhile, we are also trying to get a new passport for E - her present one still has her six-month-old photo - so that we can all visit Noah in Manila in a couple of weeks.)

We carry him in our heart for now, and long for the day (not too long from now!) when we can carry him in our arms.

pre-preschool jitters

Not the kids.

Me.

Tomorrow the kids start school. And even though I have been looking forward to it for a while now, today I am feeling ambivalent. I am a little nervous of the unknown: unknown school, unknown friends, unknown teachers. All for fifteen hours a week. When they go to school tomorrow, it will be their first step into the real world here in Singapore.

Yes, I know this is just preschool.

Still. I have been thinking of their teachers, how they have the power to build up or tear down my children, through the interactions that they will have. I wonder if they will ever know how much they have been prayed for and prayed over.

tumbling

Up until recently, I have only thought of our adopted baby's birthparents in the most amorphous of ways. Obviously, there had to be a birth mother and a birth father. But that was it; I gave them no more thought.

This changed a few days ago, when we were given a copy of the baby's birth certificate. We saw the baby's full name, and his birthparents' full names.

I felt a tumble of emotions. First off, it felt a little disquieting, I have to admit. In my mind, this made them real: actual people who had chosen to give up their baby for adoption. There was a part of me that felt, a little irrationally, I suppose, like a baby-snatcher. I had to remind myself that they had given him up for adoption first.

Seeing them as real people also made me think a little bit more of the gravity of their choice. I wonder about the circumstances that led to their choice. I wonder about how they must feel having had to make that choice. I cannot imagine how heartwrenching it must have been. I am afraid to imagine how heartwrenching it must have been.

For days and months and years to come, I know that will be someone who will wonder about this baby: where he is, what life he is leading, even what he looks like. Will they think every day, I wonder what he's doing now, right this very minute?

And like the flipside of a coin, this baby, who will grow up, as all children do, into a curious being, will wonder about his birthparents, his birth family, his country of birth. He will have questions that I will have no answers to. And what answers I do have will not be enough.

letter to my children

Our family will look different from most. And that's ok.

It's ok because God made our family. He planned for each of the three of you to be part of our family, to be our children. And for that, your dad and I are incredibly thankful. Because all three of you are special to us.

Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

We have much ahead of us. There will certainly be challenges, some of which may cause you to question the make up of our family. But this is the fundamental idea that you must hold on to: God brought us together as a family, and His plans and ways are perfect.

So it's ok if you get angry with each other or if you fight with each other. But our prayer is, that at the end of the day, you will have each other's backs; that you will always come to the support of the one who needs you; and that you will love each other always.

Just as God loves each of you. Just as dad and I love each of you.

Mom

one step back, two steps forward

We. Are. Adopting.

How do I even explain how we got to this point? A year ago, adoption was nowhere near our radar, let alone on it. I just naturally assumed that our next child would be biological, just as our first two were.

But now, here we are, sure that this is the path that God has put before us. Here we are, wanting to be obedient to God. Here we are, understanding that this is our way to make a difference. Here we are, knowing that there is a child out there that God has planned for us; we just have to find him or her.

***

It has been a slow, gradual process. During our year in Claremont, God had, time after time, placed this before us.

One key moment was a concert of prayer at our church, on a Friday night, when we had a guest speaker in town. JKD led us in prayer, as she felt the Spirit lead. She said she sense that there was someone who wanted to have a baby (Me! Me!), and so prayed that that someone would be a parent, whether by birth or by adoption. And in referring to adoption, she said it was God's plan for the adoptive parents to have the baby, even if it grew in another woman's womb. This struck both K and me, although we only knew it after we compared notes afterwards.

There have been other moments, sometimes just small ones, for me. Stumbling upon blogs on adoption. Meeting people who have adopted. Learning about other people who have been adopted. These weren't those big A-ha! type moments, but they were, I believe, God's way of raising my consciousness to something I had been unconscious of.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I had loved being pregnant, and had had easy pregnancies both times, apart from a scare about a Downs screening with E. (Labour was intense, to say the least, but that's another story.) I had definitely wanted to be pregnant again. There are few things quite so magical as feeling your baby kick and move inside of you. But I noticed in my journalling, that God had been bringing up Scripture that spoke to us denying ourselves, that spoke to following Him single-heartedly. And through what I was reading on the web, God brought me to Ephesians 1:4-5

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

I too am adopted, through Jesus Christ. See here.

At the same time, God gave K Scripture about taking care of the aliens, fatherless and widows among us. The fatherless!

All these taken together, it became too hard to ignore. So on 11 March 2008, a Tuesday, K and I talked it over again, wondered why we were still vacillating over it, and decided that yes, we were going to do it. This child was conceived in our hearts on 11 March 2008. (Right around the junction of the I-10 and I-57 in L.A. to be precise.)

***

Our family will look different from others. But it is no less our family. All our children have been planned for us by God. Of this we are sure.

***

Am I fearful, daunted, afraid? Yes. Am I also sure that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? Yes. Do I know that there will be dark, difficult days ahead? Do I know that there will be days when I wonder what I've gotten myself into? Yes. And let's be clear here, these will be questions I'll face with my birth children too. But then I remember: my God supplies all my needs.

We've had such a wonderful time of affirmation when we shared our decision to adopt with our church family in Claremont. One of the most affirming moments for me was when I told the ladies at bible study. The whole table broke out into congratulations - everyone was excited. And I was blown away by their reaction because it was a reaction that I would have gotten if I were physically pregnant.

But that is what I am, isn't it? I may not be physically pregnant. But our third child has been conceived in our hearts. And so we are expectant.