catching up

Yes, it has been much too long.

We have moved to our new home, and are enjoying the extra space it provides. The kids love the pool too. We are truly blessed.


We celebrated K's birthday with a surprise party. I was just pleased that we managed to pull it off, three days after moving in. Very fun.


The kids finished up their last day at their old school yesterday, and start at their new school next Wednesday. As I picked them up yesterday, I was blessed to see how loved they are by their teachers. There were plenty of hugs to go around, and their teachers looked so sad to see them go.

We have just a few more weeks before we get to meet Lucy. Excited. Daunted. And everything in between.

how come they sound the same

So we've discovered a lunch place that we all love, mainly because they hand out toys to the kids to keep them occupied through the meal. An additional plus, J polished off all his pizza and E her pasta carbonara.

At the end of the meal, we were give some vouchers to use on our next visit. J was listening to us talk about the vouchers, and piped in with great alarm in his voice, "Vultures? Like the big bird?"

praise party

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3:4

It has been a somber couple of days. We just came back from the wake of a member of our church family a little while ago. He was such a kind, generous person, so quick to remind us that God is a God of beauty. I will miss him.

As much as I know that he is with Jesus now and that we will see him again, it was still heartbreaking to see our friend's mother mourn. I will not quickly forget the words she said to me when I hugged her. She spoke words from a heart freshly broken. And I mourned with her.

I knew I needed a lift yesterday evening, so with the kids home, I turned the TV off, turned up some kids worship on the iPod, and instructed them to pull out their playsilks. They were, thankfully, game for a praise party. As the praise songs played, I watched all three of them dance, leap and bounce without inhibition. I listened to Joshua trying to keep up with the words of some worship songs. I took mental notes as they told me which praise songs they liked better. The kids had a great time, but it was more than just a great time for me. They reminded me to hope, to hope because we have Jesus Christ.

mommy time

Every time he has a couple of minutes alone with me, J says, "I have some mommy time, right, Mom?"

It's a great reminder to me to be intentional about my time with him, especially when the younger kids make louder and more insistent demands on me than he does.

So amidst the craziness of managing three kids this weekend, I sneaked out with J yesterday afternoon while the younger two were napping. I had to run a mundane errand for the new house anyway, and thought that I might as well redeem the time by having J along.

We were walking hand in hand at one point, no noisy cars to block out my voice so I reminded him of how special he is, how wonderful God made him, and how much I love him even though I may be busy amd occupied with the younger two.

I was glad for it, that mini-date with my son.

moving

We should be moving in a matter of weeks to a new home, with more room for everyone.

Josh has always been quite adaptable, so he should do ok. Emma needs a little more reassurance than he does, but since I'm her security blanket, she should do fine. Noah is the least adaptable one so far. He is so used to his space that travelling with him last month was hard.

Nonetheless, it's a move I look forward to getting over with.

The kids will have to change schools too, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'd like for the kids to not have to deal with so many changes, but our new place will be too far for me to drive them up and down every day, especially after Lucy arrives.

Today I mentioned to Josh's teacher that we would have to leave soon. She told me that he'd be missed, in particular by one of the girls in the class a year younger than his. She apparently moped around last month when Josh was away, so much so that her mother asked his teacher when Josh was coming back!

thankful today

1. for a little three-year-old girl who slips her hand into mine every time we walk together.
2. for a grown up five-year-old boy who, when asked where babies come from, said, "The Lord gives the baby to mommy; He puts it in her tummy."
3. for a little baby boy who wanted me to give him his last milk feed before bed.
4. for a little baby girl who has kicks hard enough to give new meaning to "belly dance".
5. for a box of tiramisu from Da Paolo to share with my man.
6. for answered prayer.
7. for a community of ladies to study the bible with, and the relationships that are growing within this community.
8. for help in finding a lost pair of slippers at church today.

club med bintan

Of note:

- This was Noah's first holiday. And our first with all three kids in tow. There were many moments when I felt like I needed an extra pair of hands. Or two. Or three.

- Noah's first taste of sand. Bleah.

- Emma started and ended well, but was down with fever in between. So she was stuck in the room a lot. She vacillated between feeling too lousy to care and feeling sore about missing out on pool time.

- Joshua was so excited about the pool, he forgot he didn't have his floaties on. K had to haul him out of the water. He was shellshocked, as was I. It was hard for me to let him out of my sight after that. After the coughing, spluttering and catching of breath, the first words he said, "Daddy, you saved my life." Looking for swim classes for the kids is now a priority, especially since our new home will have a pool that's a minute's walk away.

- Joshua had two goes on the trapeze. He did great, even if he refused to try to hang by his legs.



- Free flow of drinks. Free flow of food. But the two older kids sorely missed noodles and have only eaten that since coming back home.

Waterfall Restaurant, where we had all our meals

- Josh managed to ask the wait staff for a table for all of us, with the required baby chair for Noah, all by himself.

Playing petanque

Beach time was fun once they got used to the sand

not a baby anymore

Noah turned one today.

We've always celebrated this milestone for each of our kids. It's become a bit of a ritual for our family. With all the stresses of having a new baby in the home, I had never managed a first month celebration, so we always waited until their first birthday to have a party with our family and friends. Josh and Emma were both dedicated in church on their first birthdays too. Noah was dedicated today.


We had a little more to consider in planning for this party. I had to think about whether I would able to manage everything just a few days after having the amniocentesis. I didn't know if the results would be out earlier than expected. If they did, would I be a complete wreak?

In the end, we decided to go ahead. Mostly because I felt that we had to be fair to Noah, to honour him, even with what was going on with his younger sibling.


Because life marches on.

the quickening

I first felt the baby move a couple of weeks ago, around week 15, the earliest of all my pregnancies. Still too small to make a big obvious push, but I've felt some movement off and on since then - a little nudge, a small whoosh, a bit of a patter. So small that sometimes I wondered if it really was the baby, or whether it was just my own digestion going.

I am pretty sure about today's movement though. It's the strongest one I've felt so far. Emma used to move in the same way. The best way I can describe it is, it's as if the baby put an arm or a leg up against the wall of my womb and pushed and slid that limb in one direction.

It's always been my favourite part of being pregnant, feeling the baby move inside. Josh used to have regular hiccups - it always amused me to see my tummy do a little jerk, and with a regular rhythm! Later in my pregnancy with her, Emma used to push a little foot so far out that she'd create a lump big enough for me to tickle.

I am just thankful for now that I feel any movement at all.

***
In the past month, I have felt disappointed with God, even angry with Him, in a way that I have never felt before. Even as I write this now, I feel a little scared to acknowledge these feelings. Am I being irreverent, not giving God the awe that I know He is due? A few days into us first hearing the news about this child, a close friend reminded me that it was okay to feel anger and disappointment. God is big enough to handle it, she said. God knows how we feel anyway.

Then those fierce initial emotions subsided a little, and I started to feel a peace that I still cannot explain. Looking back on the past few weeks now, I can also say that I was extremely humbled to be shown love by our friends and family, here and across the world, who cared enough to write to us, be still with us, and pray for us. It is how we felt the arms of Jesus around us, bearing us up.

The quickening that I feel in me, that movement, has come to symbolise in a way my relationship with God in the past month. I started out wondering where God was in all of this, not understanding why things were happening the way they were. A month on, I am here. Certain of this.

I love Him.

No longer on cruise control. I feel a real, deep love for Him, even with all that has happened. Maybe because of all that has happened.

Because faced with the alternative, I have come to realise that I cannot do this, cannot walk through these days, without God. I cannot walk without hope.

I love Him. It was His love for us that kept Him on that cross.

Of course I still want this child to be healthy. I want God to bring a miracle to light, to defy the odds that have been handed to us. We still ask for this every day.

But more important for now, I love Him. Even before we know the outcome of the amniocentesis.

he's five

Because I want to remember all that I have to be thankful for...

Joshua is five today. He's been counting down for days, and has told almost everyone he's met.
We are so proud of him, for being such a big boy and for being such a good kor-kor.

He was conducting as we sang the birthday song for him.

knitting

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14

We are scheduled for another check up on baby in a couple of days. I have a special test scheduled this time round; it's a new one - I don't think they had it yet during my earlier two pregnancies. Basically we'll be able to do an earlier and more accurate screening for Down's. I wouldn't think anything about it, except we've travelled down this road before, and it turned out to be curvier than expected.

We didn't clear the Down's screening during my pregnancy with E. It was just a screening, so it doesn't definitively tell you whether or not your baby has Down's, but the risk assessed with her was higher than normal. Enough for my doctor to recommend an amniocentesis. We were travelling in Thailand when I got the call from the doctor's office. It sent us straight to our knees.

In the end, we decided not to go with the amniocentesis. We prayed that the baby would be healthy. We also prayed for strength and grace to deal with a not completely healthy baby, if she was indeed sick. I worried. And then worried some more. We had always thought of Emma as a possible name for our baby girl. What clinched it for us was finding out that one of the meanings for Emma was "whole, complete". We claimed that for her. And praise God, she was born healthy. (Three years down the road, I can also say spunky, with a strong backbone!)


We've been praying for a healthy baby this time round too. Every night before the older two sleep, we say prayers with them, and they've taken to praying for the baby. I love hearing their little voices say, "Please God, pray for new baby."

As I go in for the test on Thursday, I am just a little nervous. But I'll be holding on to the hand of Jesus.

not so baby steps

In more recent news, Noah now...

1. has decided that baby food is no longer for him. He completely rejects porridge if I cook it for him, and will only eat when I feed him what the older two kids eat. He now holds the record for weaning himself off baby food the earliest.

2. is sleeping through the night. (*crossing fingers as I type this*) I am looking forward to enjoying a few months of sleeping properly, before the new baby arrives and turns my world upside down again.

3. has a bit of a weird nap schedule. If he takes a good solid morning nap, then his afternoon is short, and hence to my mind, pathetic. But he cannot yet go without a morning nap. He passes out by about midday at the latest.

4. is walking! Keeping to our tradition of having fairly early walkers, he took his first step last month (both J and E took their first step around 10 months as well), and now can go about six or seven steps unaided. We got him new shoes today. If he's in a hurry, he'll still crawl though. No time to waste, especially when he sees someone holding a bowl of food.

5. is clapping. His newest trick. So cute to see the look of delight on his face the first time he did it.

6. is a climber. His favourite way of scaring me is to clamber up onto the sofa and then laugh cheekily when I lunge to catch him.

Yes, he's been busy.

go tell it on the mountain

We are learning that the most serious and interesting conversations we have with the kids happen in the car.

Close to our home is a little Chinese temple. As we were driving home yesterday night, we saw a little bonfire right outside it. It piqued J's interest.

That led to a conversation about how there are lots of people in Singapore who aren't Christians. I suppose it's a little hard for him to get that. We talked about how people sometimes believe in different things, and how not everyone knows Jesus Christ, how our jobs as Christians is to tell others about Christ.

To which J says, I tell my friends at school. But they don't believe me.

We can't make them believe, I tell him. It's enough for us to tell them about Jesus.

And then he says, Mommy, God is sad when they don't believe him. And I make God happy because I believe him, right?

my three-year-old girl

Emma has been anticipating this for days! She was all excited about having cupcakes in school with her friends, having goodie bags to give out, and then having a princess cake at home. Sunday was spent baking what felt like a million cupcakes, and there was a minor crisis on Monday morning when I thought there wouldn't be enough frosting. But it turned out to be enough in the end, so it was all good!

This is Emma's birthday in pictures.

My little girl is getting less little. We are so proud of her, and we love her so.

Oh, what turned out to be an unexpected highlight: Josh managed to say grace for all of us, grandparents included, before we started on dinner. We were so proud of him too.

chinese new year

The kids had a chinese new year party in school.

This is Emma peering at me from her classroom

Both kids had a performance each, but E needed a bit of help with hers. Once she got up in front of everyone with her friends, she was struck with stage fright, and did not want to do anything. Kor-kor had to step in and help her with the actions.


In their new year finery.

growing up

Today, this is how I know the kids are growing up...

1. After the kids came back from school, they both wanted to draw, so they got out their own pencils and paper. A couple of minutes later, J came over to show me his paper and he had written the Chinese character for tooth on it!!! I thought that was pretty amazing.

2. With their new chopsticks, designed specially for children, both J and E managed to pick up small pieces of char siew and pop them into their mouths! I'm pretty sure I didn't manage to use chopsticks until I was much older!

Sunday

J asked me one day, quite out of the blue, "Mommy, what is that song we sing in church? You step out on the water?"

Confusion.

But with the help of the worship leader in the family, we finally figured it out.

ponytails

My baby is all grown up.

Sunday

Is there any sweeter sound than hearing your kids singing,
all God's children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns!

the things my firstborn says

I am so CONFUSED, Dad!
As K slows down almost to a stop at a red light, and then picks up speed again because light changes to green.

I am covered all over with fleas!!
After we explain that fleas make cats and dogs itch. (It's a daily battle with eczema since moving back home.)

Emma, that was a big fart!
When they're in separate cubicles in a public restroom. And it wasn't even her!