one step back, two steps forward

We. Are. Adopting.

How do I even explain how we got to this point? A year ago, adoption was nowhere near our radar, let alone on it. I just naturally assumed that our next child would be biological, just as our first two were.

But now, here we are, sure that this is the path that God has put before us. Here we are, wanting to be obedient to God. Here we are, understanding that this is our way to make a difference. Here we are, knowing that there is a child out there that God has planned for us; we just have to find him or her.

***

It has been a slow, gradual process. During our year in Claremont, God had, time after time, placed this before us.

One key moment was a concert of prayer at our church, on a Friday night, when we had a guest speaker in town. JKD led us in prayer, as she felt the Spirit lead. She said she sense that there was someone who wanted to have a baby (Me! Me!), and so prayed that that someone would be a parent, whether by birth or by adoption. And in referring to adoption, she said it was God's plan for the adoptive parents to have the baby, even if it grew in another woman's womb. This struck both K and me, although we only knew it after we compared notes afterwards.

There have been other moments, sometimes just small ones, for me. Stumbling upon blogs on adoption. Meeting people who have adopted. Learning about other people who have been adopted. These weren't those big A-ha! type moments, but they were, I believe, God's way of raising my consciousness to something I had been unconscious of.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I had loved being pregnant, and had had easy pregnancies both times, apart from a scare about a Downs screening with E. (Labour was intense, to say the least, but that's another story.) I had definitely wanted to be pregnant again. There are few things quite so magical as feeling your baby kick and move inside of you. But I noticed in my journalling, that God had been bringing up Scripture that spoke to us denying ourselves, that spoke to following Him single-heartedly. And through what I was reading on the web, God brought me to Ephesians 1:4-5

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

I too am adopted, through Jesus Christ. See here.

At the same time, God gave K Scripture about taking care of the aliens, fatherless and widows among us. The fatherless!

All these taken together, it became too hard to ignore. So on 11 March 2008, a Tuesday, K and I talked it over again, wondered why we were still vacillating over it, and decided that yes, we were going to do it. This child was conceived in our hearts on 11 March 2008. (Right around the junction of the I-10 and I-57 in L.A. to be precise.)

***

Our family will look different from others. But it is no less our family. All our children have been planned for us by God. Of this we are sure.

***

Am I fearful, daunted, afraid? Yes. Am I also sure that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? Yes. Do I know that there will be dark, difficult days ahead? Do I know that there will be days when I wonder what I've gotten myself into? Yes. And let's be clear here, these will be questions I'll face with my birth children too. But then I remember: my God supplies all my needs.

We've had such a wonderful time of affirmation when we shared our decision to adopt with our church family in Claremont. One of the most affirming moments for me was when I told the ladies at bible study. The whole table broke out into congratulations - everyone was excited. And I was blown away by their reaction because it was a reaction that I would have gotten if I were physically pregnant.

But that is what I am, isn't it? I may not be physically pregnant. But our third child has been conceived in our hearts. And so we are expectant.