reflections on a year past

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

Deuteronomy 8:2

A year ago, on the last day of 2007, we had only a vague idea of what the year ahead held for us. We knew we would have to move back to Singapore. Our sabbatical in Claremont would draw to an end. We would be back in real life! K would have to go back to work, and the kids to a new preschool.

But God has also taken us down roads unexpected, where we experienced fear, worry, anxiousness, but also God's joy, peace and love.

This year, Noah came home to us. As we worked this out, we have felt God prodding us along. We have felt God working it out for us - it was just little over six months from the point when we definitely decided that we were going to adopt to when Noah came home. We have felt God challenge us to keep believing His plan for us, when we learned of Noah's health issues. We have felt God's love and blessing as Noah settled into our family, and as we adjusted to being a family of five.

K and I continue to learn about God's father heart for us - how He loves, cares and comforts us, just as we do our children. As Josh and Emma grow up, we have felt challenged to become better parents, wiser parents, and have felt keenly our need for God's wisdom. They ask hard questions sometimes!

In our move back home, we have felt loss. It was harder than I had expected to give up all that we had been blessed with in Claremont. It was harder than I had expected to settle into our life back home. But even in this time of transition, I have felt God challenge us to keep to the course that He has planned for us. It would be easy to wander off, to seek something else because I think it is better, easier. But what blessings, what lessons would we be giving up then?

So here, now, this is what I know. God has been real in our lives. He has been faithful. He has blessed. And even in the hard things, we have been taught to trust that God is there, that He knows it all, that His hand is on us, and that His hand guides us.

sitting on a rocking chair

Noah is 8 months old today. He has been home with us for almost 4 months. We are waiting for the court proceedings to be done, so that he is legally ours. He feels like ours already.

We have hardly thought about it: it was just a matter of letting our lawyers work out the process.

Then yesterday the ground start to shake again.

We came across information in the newspapers that could potentially hold things up. In the worst case scenario, I thought it could hamper, even bring to a grinding halt, our legal adoption.

In the couple of hours we had to wait before we could get a hold of our lawyers, I worried, fretted, and threw the equivalent of a four-year-old's tantrum in my conversation with God. (I see a four-year-old's tantrum with more regularity than I would like, so I have a pretty good idea of what it looks like.)

Why did we come so far, if it was not going to work out? Why now, when we were so close to being done with everything? Why now, after we've had so much time with him? And if it didn't work out, how was I supposed to explain everything to the two older kids??

Those couple of hours were plenty of time for me to get scared. To feel fearful. To feel how shaky the ground was.

K finally managed to speak to our lawyers, and we were basically told that our legal adoption should not be held up at all. We continue to pray that this will not change.

When K called me to report what the lawyer had told him, I was in the middle of doing my bible study homework. After we hung up, I went back to it. This was what I went back to...

Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
shout aloud, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
O Daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
"Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:14-17

The last verse has always been one of my favourites. But today, God showed me something else, something more. That last verse follows God's assurance that he is keeping me, us, safe: "Do not fear, do not let your hands go limp".

This is what Beth Moore writes: These verses beautifully illustrate that blessed moment in which God's throne becomes a rocking chair and He pulls His fretting, fearful child into His arms and says, "It's ok, I'm right here."

How those words leapt off the page.

How many times have I done this with my children: pull them to me, cuddle them, comfort them, so that in my embrace they go limp with relief.

God didn't tell us how it was all going to work out for us, for Noah, if we would have any trouble with the legal process. We still don't know; we are waiting it out.

But He did pull me into His rocking chair and quiet me with His love.

I am limp with relief.

funny faces

looking like Christmas

This is what we have been busy with this past weekend...

Putting up with tree, with a great deal of help from the two older kids.

A little late in the game, but we decided last year to start getting a special ornament for each of them each year. J was happy to see his car, and E to see her little puppy, that they had picked out at Target last year!

The sight of the presents under the tree is driving Miss E slightly insane though. She CANNOT resist their siren call. Yesterday morning, J tattled on her - she was quietly peeling the wrapper off a little present. I decided that we needed a distraction, and so was obsessed with finding an Advent calendar all day yesterday.

It was not to be, so I decided to make my own.

The kids will get to open up a little package each day - and will each receive a small treat. I've written down a bible verse in each little packet that, all together, tells the story of Jesus' birth. I have grand plans that we'll read it together just before they enjoy their treats - we'll have to see how that goes.

My last project - our family wall.

The idea was conceived while we were still in Claremont: partly executed there, when I bought the prints off Etsy (two of the prints read: love lives here and you are my sunshine). And then finished off with our photos earlier this month. It's taken me almost a month to get them printed, find mattes for them, framed, and then arranged on the wall.
And there's still room for photos to be put around what we have now.

I am off to lie down now.

thanksgiving

A good time as any to count my blessings today, so here goes...

I am thankful for my husband, because he loves me and is always so patient with me.

I am thankful for coffee, because it makes me happy, after a night of interrupted sleep.

I am thankful for interrupted sleep, because it means my kids still need me.

I am thankful for tired legs and an aching back, because it means we spent a busy (and happy!) day out with the kids.

I am thankful for a noisy home, because it means that my kids are home.

I am thankful for funny moments throughout the day, because they make the hard parts of parenting seem a little easier.

I am thankful for good health, because it is not so fun having sick (and whiny) kids.

I am thankful for the hard lessons God keeps bringing my way; if I learn, I grow.

I am thankful for grace.

I am thankful for the long hours that K has to work, because it means we are still taken care of even though Singapore is in a technical recession.

I am thankful for difficult relationships, because it means God is calling me to live beyond myself.

I am thankful for naps.

Happy Thanksgiving!

fear

If you make the Most High your dwelling--
even the LORD, who is my refuge--
then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.

Psalm 91:9-16

Two Saturdays ago, K pointed something out to me that I had not thought about before. Noah's CMV makes it a little tricky if I should get pregnant again. The worst time to get CMV really is when you're pregnant, because you'd pass it on to the foetus, and the virus could affect its physical development. Because we're pretty sure Noah caught the virus in utero, we were, just weeks ago, quite worried about how his development would be affected.

My hands are full right now with the three kids, and we are not planning to get pregnant. But that conversation with K, when we talked about not getting pregnant anymore made me sad. Just because we felt we had to close that option off.

The next day, something in me rallied. I thought, living in fear is no way to live. And the sermon we listened to that Sunday was on Psalm 91. What I heard: Do not fear.

We were fearful of how the virus would affect us. But God reminded us that He has our back. He always had it. He brought Noah into our lives. And this may be it for us - three kids is plenty! But if He does give us more, fully healthy or not, it will be His plan for us, for our family.

Sunday

Sunday

i am...

... learning to live beyond myself. (Yay for online bible studies!)

... appreciating kids who are well.

... having fun with introducing N to solids.

... enjoying my time with the preschoolers at church.

... tired out at the end of each day!

... loving my family.

... forgetting that N is adopted.

... thankful that the two older ones love having the little one around.

... happy that K had the day off today.

... surprised at how much I enjoy the music of Imagination Movers.

... believing God.

... trying to get back to cooking more often.

... listening to Christmas music already.

... tickled by the kids' singing and dancing.

... glad that the kids are in bed early tonight.

... missing cooler weather.

... accepting that there will always be laundry to do.

... being random.

Sunday

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13

tapestry

In our adoption journey, one of the turning points for us was when we heard a speaker at our church in Claremont pray during a worship/prayer time one evening. At that time, we had only just started toying with the idea of adopting our third child, but we had nothing concrete, only talk.

That evening, Jennifer Kennedy Dean said a prayer that resonated with K and I, separately. She couldn't have known that we at that point wanting to grow our family. She couldn't have known that we had mentioned adoption in passing. But her prayer, and the words that she said... For K and I, it opened our eyes to the fact that God had planned for us to have this child, even if he grew inside of someone else.

Those words resonated with each of us so deeply. Those words were the words God wanted us to hear.

A short while after that, we decided that we would adopt.

Fast forward to this week.

We received a present in the mail a few days ago to celebrate Noah joining our family. (Thank you, Debbie!) It was a book by Jennifer Kennedy Dean called Legacy of Prayer: A Spiritual Trust Fund for the Generations. It's an easy read, filled with lots of great ideas about praying for our children.

But this is what stood out for me. This is what was new for me.

In the book, Jennifer shares that thirty years ago, when she was 19, single and in college, she found out she was pregnant. She writes, I knew instantly what God was telling me to do, and never once have I second-guessed it. He wanted to me to place the child for adoption.

After she hands her baby over to his adoptive parents, she calls him, Child of my womb, child of their hearts. The answer to their prayers lay in their arms, and strangely, also the answer to my mother's prayers for me. My wounds tell a resurrection story.

All those years ago, Jennifer made what was probably one of the hardest decisions in her life. I can only imagine how heartwrenching it must be to give up a child for adoption. I can only imagine how much Noah's biological mother loved him, that she would do what she thought was best for his life.

I am convinced that Jennifer's experience gave her the words for K and I to hear that night in Claremont. What we would think of as a mistake gave Jennifer the experience to have the words to say that would change my family.

God takes all our mistakes, our bad choices, our poor decisions and weaves it into a beautiful tapestry. We cannot see it all, and this side of heaven, we may never see it all. But at the end of the day, his tapestry is beautiful. Always.

a praying parent

Your prayers for your children will not shield them from heartache or even from wrong turns. Your prayers do, however, guarantee that every problem, every difficulty, every wrong choice is already factored into God's big picture. Every struggle will forge in them a deeper faith and deeper love for the Father. This is what you want for them. Let God do His work in them.

Jennifer Kennedy Dean, Legacy of Prayer: A Spiritual Trust Fund for the Generations

all clear

Noah cleared the last of his medical tests today. We are in the clear!

He did great, even though he did have a catheter inserted at one point.

We are thanking God!

Sunday

theology for a four-year-old

We are driving back home from spending the day at my mom's, when J asks from the backseat, "Mom, why God let us scold him?"

Hushed silence.

I ask him a few questions to try to figure out what he means. Eventually, I figure he's talking about seeing people mock Jesus when he was on the cross. He insists he's seen it in a book. I have no idea where.

K and I exchange looks. And K says loudly, "I'm driving, I need to concentrate."

Chicken, I hiss at him.

Which only confuses J more, because now he thinks chickens have somehow entered the picture.

Sigh. I take a breath and plunge in.

Not everyone believed Jesus when he said he was the Son of God. So people made fun of him. And even now, not everyone believes in God and in Jesus. We are blessed to know him.

It seemed enough for J. For now at least!

building

Every once in while, J will ask if Noah will go back to the Philippines. On one or two occasions, he's asked when Noah will go back.

We pounce, of course. Never, we say. Noah is part of our family now. He's your little brother. God made us a family. God brought him to us. (To which J once replied, "No! He came on an aeroplane!")

J doesn't ask angrily. It isn't that he wants Noah to leave. But the way Noah joined our family was different. Different from E. Different from other families.

So we keep explaining, that the difference makes no difference to us.

We've had a couple of friends ask us how we managed to adopt a child that bears a resemblance to me, and to his two older siblings. I don't know. But it's nice; maybe this will make it just a little easier for Noah.

my boys

Sunday

five months old

He flips, tummy to back and back to tummy.

He's great at scooting around his cot.

He's still a toy to J and E. J loves squeezing him. E is not sure what to make of him at times. On one hand, she's so great with him: stroking his face, cooing at him in her special high-pitched baby voice, wanting mom, and only mom, to carry him. But on the other hand, if mom's hands are filled with Noah, then how will mom carry her? Conundrum.

He's not at all keen on mom slinging him, unlike his two older siblings. He wants to be carried facing forward, so that he can take in the world.

He had his first taste of rice cereal and apples yesterday.

He sleeps a good eight-hour long stretch at night, which still astounds mom.

He now cries to be carried when mom puts him down for his nap or bedtime. Trouble is, he doesn't fall asleep when she picks him up! So down back on his cot he goes - he cries for just a couple of minutes though.

He is a talker. He has conversations with his cot bumper and his mobile regularly.

He is most generous with his smiles. Charmer.

He does not complain about being in his stroller which is also a new experience for mom.

He is finding his "grabbing" hands. When he first came, he never ever reached for toys that were put in front of him. He's learning to now.

pass

Noah cleared both his hearing and eye tests this week. He's okay for now.

Statistically he has a 5-15% chance of developing disabilities later on. So we need to be watchful, just to be able to catch any hearing or vision loss as soon as we can. We continue to cover him in prayer, that he will not develop any symptoms.

He turns five months old tomorrow!

Sunday

Hold on to Jesus

Steven Curtis Chapman

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Hold on for life

You can hear it here.

We have Noah's hearing test on Tuesday and his eyesight test on Wednesday. Whether he clears those tests or not, we are holding on to Jesus. Whether he clears the tests or not, we will rejoice that God is with us, with him. And whether he clear the tests or not, we are thankful for all our children.

The best shot I have of all three.
It is impossible, getting all of them to look at the camera at the same time!

secret whisper

How much do I love it, that as I'm sitting down in cell group, J sneaks over to me and whispers, "Mom, I have a secret to tell you." Then he whispers right into my ear, "I love you."

It is for moments like these.

good news

Noah's CT scan came back with no abnormalities! His pediatrician says that's good news!

We are past one hurdle. Next week, we have his hearing and vision test scheduled. One hurdle at a time.

Otherwise he seems to be doing really well. His doctor says that he's a little on the small side, but he's feeding okay. He puts up with rough displays of affection from his two older siblings - quite the trooper.

In other news, J came back home from school singing an S Club 7 song yesterday: "... individuality... Don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach for the top". Complete with dance moves. Cracked us up. Over and over again. Once again, I am reminded on how fast he's growing up.

This morning he declared, "I'm okay with school." There's an answer to prayer right there!

Sunday

The LORD delights in those who fear him,

who put their hope in his unfailing love.
Psalm 147:11

This is how I know God's love: because our church family here and in Claremont are covering us with prayer. I am more grateful than I can say.

J and E with their Sunday school buddies

curveball

Yesterday, the path we are on took a turn that we did not foresee. I am still trying to catch my breath.

Noah's test results came back from the doctor. He has been diagnosed with cytomegalovirus (CMV), probably contracted in utero.

Best case scenario - he presents no symptoms. Right now, we are here. But in the worst case scenario, he may eventually suffer hearing loss, visual loss or developmental disabilities.

His pediatrician has ordered up a bunch of tests for his hearing and vision, and a brain scan to make sure there are no cysts. We managed to get him scheduled for a CT scan today, and praise God, there are no abnormalities.

I still feel like I am standing on shaky ground. Even if he does not present any symptoms now, there is always a chance that the hearing or visual loss, or developmental disabilities could come later.

I am trying to be open to what God is saying to me or asking of me. Here's what I have so far. I am to love Noah, fearlessly and furiously. We are to fight for him: he has no one else who will. I am to hold on to God, to touch the cloak of Jesus each day, each moment when I feel the ground beneath my feet shaking.

I always have the iPod plugged in whenever I'm driving. Sometimes, I've noticed, a song will catch my attention, make me stop and strain to hear all the lyrics, even if it is a song I've heard before. That's when I start to press the buttons on the dial furiously, because I need to figure out the name of the song. A few days ago, before we received Noah's test results back, it was this:

Safe and Sound - MercyMe

No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody's home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can't control
The hardest part I'm always told
Is letting go

Safe and sound
Knowing that You're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound
Just knowing that You know me

I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this Love I've found
There is nothing that can pull me
From the hand that holds me
I'm safe and sound

The hardest part I'm always told
Is letting go

The greatest part I now know
Is letting go

At the time, it was just a song with a beautiful melody. In the wake of yesterday, it is so so much more. It is God's reminder that we are safe and sound; that Noah is safe and sound, no matter what lies ahead. Because He is big enough to wrap around our hearts completely.

This has been the hardest post for me to write so far. We would love it if you would keep us in prayer, specifically that God may keep Noah's vision, hearing and brain untouched by the virus.

recognition

Each and every time he wakes up and sees me, he gives me a smile that melts my heart.

Do you think he recognises me already?

Because I like to think that he does.

It is the little things that I have taken for granted. It was the most natural thing for J and E to know me, to want me, to attach to me. I didn't even have to think about it.

But it's something that Noah will have to learn.

In his experience, he's had to fend for himself, soothe himself. Now he'll have to learn that he can rely on us. That we are here to soothe him. That we will be here each time he wakes up and opens his eyes. That we will always be his mom and dad.

first week home

He's got such a sweet smile...

The just-woke-up look...

They are still loving him!

We had a chance to share a little with our church family today our reasons for adopting Noah (not everyone reads the blog). I was thankful for it. This will be Noah's church family too, and it was important to me that they understood why we chose this path. So K did the honours and both of us (he onstage and me offstage) teared up a little when he explained how Noah is our son. He may have grown inside someone's body, but he is our son, the son God planned for us to have.

It's been hard work with the three kids. The hardest part of the day is when the two older ones come back home from school. They'll always still bouncing off the walls a little and are not particularly inclined to obey me quickly and easily. It's been a lesson in patience for me.

Even with the harder moments, it feels wonderful to have N home with us. Adopting him is my path of obedience. And as he settles down into his life with us, we look forward to his healing. Healing of some physical ailments. Healing of his emotional loss. Healing that only God can work out.

Sunday

getting to know you, getting to know all about you

We have been learning about Noah, as much as he is learning about us.

J and E are still pretty excited to have him here: Noah's like their toy-of-the-moment. They get upset each time I tell them that Noah's taking a nap; and they have been busy showing him off to almost everyone they know (and sometimes, people they don't know as well: strangers we meet in the lifts, for instance).

E is learning though that a new baby in the house means a little less attention for her, and she isn't enjoying that part so much. But she's still incredibly gentle with him, and she gets a kick out of making him chuckle. J is affectionate, sometimes a little too much! Noah definitely doesn't like it when J pops out in his face calling out his name!

Things we've learnt about Noah:

He's an okay feeder; but we're working on fattening him up! He sleeps quite a bit, and falls asleep by himself with nary a cry, which amazes K and I each time it happens. (Those who knew J when he was a newborn would know that he trained me to have very low expectations when it came to sleep!) So I am enjoying having a baby who can fall asleep on his own.

He coos, and has a really cute laugh: sort of a chuckle.

He likes his baths.

He's a great burp-er.

We're waiting on a few health tests, and are praying that he is fully healthy. We are also praying that he will have no problems attaching to us.

Sunday

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

I cannot say how thankful and blessed I am to know that as I am typing this, all my children are home, sound asleep in their beds.

Meeting our little brother for the first time

It was love at first sight, even though I wasn't sure it would be this way. Maybe it'd be a slow road, I had thought. It wasn't. And each time I carry him, feed him or change him, I fall in love just a little bit more.

It's been a little hectic this past day and a half: we brought Noah home, introduced him to two very enthusiastic older siblings, figured out the whole bottle feeding thing, remembered how floppy little babies can be. And then today, we dug out baby toys, introduced him to his grandparents and his church family, and got a new baby mobile for his bed (kor-kor helped put it together!).

It's been hectic, but wonderful too. Because right now, all my kids are in their beds, sound asleep.

introductions, please

Noah is home.

Everyone, meet Noah.


We are all adjusting. But Noah, especially. It must feel like his whole world has shifted.

blessed

We have heard people say, how lucky Noah is to be adopted, how blessed he is that he will be joining our family. It is easy, instinctive almost, to think this way. Because we are the ones who have, and right now, until he arrives on Saturday, he has not.

But this is not the message we've been getting.

In the past couple of days, through different messages from different friends, this is God's common theme for us: Noah is God's gift to us; we are the ones who are blessed.

And the truth is, we are already blessed. Blessed with friends dear to our hearts, here in Singapore and halfway across the world who pray with us, pray over us, and come alongside us to support us in this journey. Blessed with kids who are excited about an addition to our family, who eagerly tell anyone who will listen about their "baby Noah".

And this is before Noah even arrives.

We have much to be thankful for.

So we await with anticipation, the blessing that he will be to us.

four months old today

and four days to go before he gets here!

We're getting ready!

pre-school routines

Each morning, I shepherd both kids into the car, buckle them into their seats and drive them to school.

Each morning as we walk from our car to their school, I say a prayer aloud for them, so that they know that I am praying for them, and that I am asking God to cover their day. I almost always pray for the same things - that they will have a fun time learning, that they will have fun with their friends and teachers, that they will be healthy, and that they will be kept safe in their day. Sometimes we pray for their teachers and their classmates too. In the early days of settling into school, this was a real comfort to J: he would ask me to pray for him over and over again. Ad nauseum.

Each morning, they get their temperatures taken and hands and feet checked before they step into their class. J always goes first, E will not sit down until he's done. As each of them take their backpacks and water bottles from me, I tell them to have a good day, I tell them that I'll see them later and that I love them. Then I give them a little kiss on their heads. J is always moving away from me as I do this. Is he old enough to feel embarrassed by this already? So one morning I skip his kiss. He takes a step, then stops.

"Mom, aren't you forgetting something?" he asks. And points to his head.

And so I get to kiss my little man, who is growing up faster than I want him to. And feel gratified that my gestures of affection are still appreciated!

Sunday

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
Psalm 125:1

No shaking allowed!

getting into the olympic spirit

For the first time in 48 years, Singapore is actually in the running for either a gold or a silver medal in table tennis. Woo-hoo!

What we are learning from this year's Olympic games - J has the most competitive spirit! He was cheering the Singapore table tennis team on. He wants to watch anything Olympic-related on TV, never mind what sport it is. And when Singapore is not in the running, he cheers on USA (he recognises the US flag and calls it L.A. flag!).

The F1-Singapore Grand Prix happens next month. We stumbled on this ride in a mall that we go to quite often. To say that J was excited is perhaps understating it - he almost burst. He is fiercely competitive: he gives dirty looks to the other kids in the other cars as he passes them. He got really annoyed with a girl for stopping because she was blocking his way. When he wasn't glaring at his competitors, he was smiling in delight at the speed at which he was going. He's been on this ride on two separate occasions, each time he cried when the ride ended because he wanted to keep going.

After the ride today, he said, "Mom, next time when I grow up, can I be a race car driver?"

birthday day

J burst into our room bright and early this morning with a big "happy birthday, dad"!

This is what we had on: morning out at the beach, Japanese all-you-can-eat dinner, and two birthday cakes!

Sunday

When Love Takes You in
- Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

When love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been lost in what will be

When love takes you in, everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
Cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in, everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When loves takes you in, it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

we have a date

Noah arrives on a flight from Manila 23 Aug 2008. That's just in two week's time.

We completely sped through the Dependent's Pass application. I drove down on Tuesday to submit the forms, and the in-principal approval letter was in our mailbox on Thursday. And we were originally told that we'd receive the letter in two weeks. Can I say again how great it is to have a civil service that works?

Today I told J that Noah would arrive in two weeks. How many days is that, he asks. I tell him, fourteen. And J says, That's still a lot of days, mom. How about tomorrow instead?

Choosing

Guest writer: The Body Electric

We value choice in almost all areas of our lives. When we lived in southern California, the huge variety of stuff for sale in the supermarkets sometimes confounded me. An entire shelf full of mayonnaise! Sausages? Low fat, nitrate free, organic, meatless and so on. Buy a coffee? An economist could probably make an argument that the price difference between Starbucks coffee and the coffee from a regular coffeeshop here in Singapore reflects the choice available to me at Starbucks: espresso, latte, low-fat, decaf, mocha and so on. Choice, it seems, is a good thing, something worth paying a premium for.

A liberal democracy enshrines the right to choose as an almost inalienable aspect of life. People who do not choose their leaders cannot possibly live in a healthy, vibrant polity. A consumerist society lives by the accumulated choices of its participants. Not only do I have the right to choose what to buy, but I also want to have the right to choose when to buy, and how to buy, and from whom to buy.

On Facebook, I can choose whether or not to accept someone as a friend. Just a few days ago, someone I am certain I have never met sent me a request to become a friend. When I look at this person's age, background and other friends (and we do not have any friends in common), I can only conclude that he's made a mistake and probably thinks I'm some other Keith Tan. But I hesitate to exercise my choice. I hesitate, on the one hand, to invite him into my virtual life on Facebook. On the other hand, I feel reluctant to cut him off completely. Choice has paralyzed me.

Some of the biggest decisions in my life have reflected the exercise of choice. I chose to get married to a beautiful, gentle woman whose heart unfailingly chooses compassion each time. I chose to become a father twice, now three times over. I chose to accept the Love that showers me, every day, with the ability to love back, to bless, to hope, to believe, passionately, sometimes blindly, that things will get better. Sometimes I forget that the choices available to me reflect the almost insensible luxuriousness of my life. Many people do not have the luxury of choosing between chocolate chip and vanilla ice cream. Many people do not have the luxury of choosing to start a life together with a partner they love and someone else they only have the vaguest relationship with.

So this is what I will tell each of my children one day, and in particular, the one whom we chose specially:

Before the beginning of the world, God chose you for me. And God chose me for you.

And when your life began, as a tiny clump of cells or as a tiny clump of ideas, I would lie awake wondering about the choices before me and the choices that you would have one day.

How would I do as a father? What would I read to you? What games would I play? Should I teach you the difference between a Tiger beer and all the other nasty stuff or let you find out yourself?

What if you had problems that I didn't know how to solve? What if you came to me one day with your heart broken by the world and I had no words to say to comfort you? What if you decided you wanted nothing to do with the rest of your family? What if you broke my heart one day?

And time and again, the answer would come back. I chose you. As God chose me with all my messiness, all my failures, all my dismal fears and my whining, whinging nature, I chose you. I chose you knowing that you might one day wrench my heart in two. I chose you knowing that you would change me, that I would never, ever be the same man again once I saw you, once I held you in my arms, once you put your tiny fingers in my hands.

I chose you. And I hope that you will choose to embrace the richness and vividness of life with wholeness, with excitement, with adventure, with compassion. That you will choose people over things, faith over cynicism, love over indifference, giving over grasping.

And that's my great, audacious hope for you.

standing at the edge

Noah comes home in about three weeks' time.

We've been praying and preparing for this for a while now; we only have to apply and wait for his Dependent's Pass and then he'll be here. Home with us.

Even at this point, I in my weakness wonder what I'm getting myself into. How we will all adapt to have a new baby in the house. Getting used to bottle-feeding, which two children on, is still completely new to me. Waking up at night for feedings. Hustling three kids, instead of just two kids now, out of the house in the mornings, and herding three kids back into the house after school. Managing meal-times, bath-times and settling-down-for-nap-times with three!

And then there's how J and E will be toward Noah. They're incredibly excited now, but I wonder if the novelty will quickly wear itself out and if they'll start acting up.

And then there's me. I want to love Noah exactly the same way that I love J and E. But I carried them for nine months inside me. Even before I met them, I felt them within. And I worked hard through labour to be able to hold them and love them. It is all different with Noah, and because it is different, I am not quite sure what lies ahead.

Our pastor spoke from 1 Joshua yesterday at church. After Moses' death, the Israelites stood at the edge of their promised land. They had been here before, only they had been too afraid before, and instead of stepping forward, they held back and so wandered the desert for forty years. As they stand there, the Lord tells Joshua, "Be strong and courageous." To make sure it sank in, He said it three times.

I am standing at the edge now, just before this land that God has led us to. We can't quite see all of the land that lies before us. We're not quite sure of what lies in the hidden valleys. We don't know yet what sort of fruit the land will bear.

But God knows all this. And yesterday, He reminded me, "Be strong and courageous... for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Sunday

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

dance of joy

The passport is ready! The passport is ready!

And ahead of schedule too.

We are expecting Noah in just a few weeks!!

sweet, generous heart

Today has been one of those days.

J comes home from school, grouchy and whiny when he realises that we're not going anywhere but home.

E's whiny and crying because she wants to wear the pretty dress that's in the laundry. Crying because she wants kor-kor's man-with-sticky-feet toy that he got from a goodie bag from school. Crying because she doesn't want me to brush her hair after her bath. Crying in all probability because she just really needed a nap straight after school.

Time to count my blessings.

J and E have their names put up on their bedroom doors in cute colourful letters. A couple of days ago, we bought letters for Noah too. J found them before leaving for school this morning, and wanted to know what they were for. After I explained to him that we would stick the letters on his door, so that it could be the boys' room in the future, he said, "But what about mei-mei? Then she'll be all alone in her room..."

And that is just how he is: sensitive to other people's feelings and wanting to be inclusive.

Oh, and his solution - he says he can sleep with daddy and Noah, and I can sleep with mei-mei.

seven years of marriage

The LORD is God,

And He has made His light shine upon us.

Psalm 118:27

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- William Butler Yeats

Sunday

passport

When we tried to book our tickets to Manila on Monday night, we realised that we needed a new passport for E. Her current one still has her six-month-old baby picture in it. She looks plenty different now. (Hair!) So Tuesday morning, I dropped off her application at ICA. According to their website, a new passport would take three working days to process. And ta-dah - in the mail today, we received notification to pick up her passport next Monday.

I love it when our civil service works.

In contrast, we've been told that we have to wait 20 business days for Noah's passport. Seriously. TWENTY?!

On a separate note, K and I leave for our first holiday without the kids tomorrow, in celebration of our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. These are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts: It doesn't feel like 7 years. I can't bear to leave the kids. But there's shopping and food and Thai massage to be had, so yay! But what if I miss the kids too much? And what if they miss me too much? But then, how nice it'd be to eat a meal slowly and shop without having to call someone out from under the clothes racks...

in the papyrus basket

I have been thinking about Moses' story. Moses who led his people out of slavery, who parted the waters, and who could do all that because he was adopted when he was around three months old.

I am thinking about Moses' story because Noah is about the same age now as Moses was when his mother put him in a papyrus basket and pushed him out into the Nile. Her action took faith; she put her "fine child" into God's hands.

And God was there.

This is how we know. With perfect timing, Pharaoh's daughter was there, bathing with her attendants. With clarify of vision, she saw the papyrus basket among the reeds. With compassion in her heart, she heard Moses' small cry and spared his life, in defiance of her father.

Noah is in his own papyrus basket now, wending his way toward us. God has led us to wait expectantly for him, even while we do all we can to smooth out his way toward us. We are praying for his passport to be ready soon. (Meanwhile, we are also trying to get a new passport for E - her present one still has her six-month-old photo - so that we can all visit Noah in Manila in a couple of weeks.)

We carry him in our heart for now, and long for the day (not too long from now!) when we can carry him in our arms.

daddy's girl

E is turning into daddy's girl...

She asks, "Where my papa?", when she wants to sound particularly sweet. Works every time.

Sunday

three months old

Noah turns three months old today, as we move ever closer to bringing him home!

We are done with our Home Study Report, and are now just waiting for it to be mailed out to us. (Godstop: it's been faster than we thought - we were originally told ten weeks, but it took between six and seven weeks.) We are also waiting for Noah's passport to be done, and when that's ready we'll be able to apply for a Dependent's Pass to bring him into Singapore. We think we should have him home by the first week of September!

We had to attend a disclosure workshop a few nights ago; it is one of the requirements of our HSR. The main thing we got out of it: we really want to be able to create some memories for Noah even before he comes home to us. So we are thinking seriously about making a trip in the next few weeks to visit him in the home in Manila. The aim is for us to bring back memories of his time there, so that we have something to show him when he asks us about his life before he came home to us. We want to have a few more answers ready for when he asks. And it'll be a good process of creating memories for J and E too, of how their family came to be.


PS. It boggles my mind to think that when Noah comes home, we'll have three kids under the age of five! Deep breath...

*Edited to add: In the latest three-month-old photos of Noah, he's holding his head up when on his tummy already! A milestone that we've missed...

chamomile tea

There are conversations that happen every once in a while that need to be recorded for posterity. I just had one of these conversations.

J: What did you just say, Mom?

Me: I asked dad to make some chamomile tea.

Pause.

J: You're drinking MRTs?

Me: Huh? No, I'm not drinking MRTs. Cha-mo-mile tea.

J: Oh. There are camels on the MRT going underground?

asking the tough question

J: Mom, I don't want to be a grown-up. Because I want to play and watch TV everyday... How old are you when you don't have to go to school forever?

on being a wife

The greatest asset a woman brings to her marriage is not her beauty, her charm, her feminine wiles, or even her ability to bear a child. It is her theology. Every wife is her husband's partner, pastor, spiritual counselor, motivational speaker, and his fellow soldier in the war zone. With her eyes fixed on Jesus, she is less inclined to make her husband, herself, or her children the center of the universe. With head and heart filled with the knowledge of God, she will find strength to enter the fray and wrestle with all of life's problems, alongside her husband. As she lives in the light of God's sovereign goodness, she will radiate hope and courage to him in the darkest hours. With her feet firmly planted on God's holy character, she will find boldness to stand up to her man when his disobedience is tarnishing God's glory. And her husband will only be the better for it.

Carolyn Curtis James, When Life and Beliefs Collide

Sunday

He put a child in the middle of the room. Then, cradling the little one in his arms, he said, "Whoever embraces one of these children as I do embraces me, far more than me - God who sent me."

- Mark 9:36-37 (The Message)

The kids have been asking when their new baby is coming. (J: When's our new baby coming? E: Where my new baby?) I wish we could give them a concrete date: we are still waiting for the paperwork to be done.

on holiday at home

Today we got to be "on holiday", as J put it. K was off from work - yay!

After school, we went for our first swim since coming back home, and then the kids had their first trip to the library after dinner, where they got their own library books and a new book bag to haul their loot back.

The kid were thrilled with their swim, to say the least. And naturally, J's books were all train-related.

déjà vu

J continues to find things not to like in school. The most recent one: Mom, I don't want to learn Chinese in school.

I spent most of my school years thinking the exact same thing...

It continues to be hard for me to see him dreading school each day. Today, he had tears welling up in his eyes as I left. I would seriously think about homeschooling, except that I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to homeschooling him for all the years of school he has ahead of him. Where to even start. Plus I actually like the break I get when the kids are in school...

monster story

God blessed the kids at school today with a birthday party. They were fit to burst when I picked them up. J had barely stepped out of the door before he started ripping into his backpack for the birthday goodie bag to show me. They went on and on about their goodie bags and the birthday cake!

I was happy to see them happy.

Later, J told me that he did "monster story work" in school today. It took me more than a few minutes to understand that he meant montessori work.

Sunday

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

This is one of my all-time favourite verses. I find myself coming back to it again and again because it speaks to how God loves us.

I have felt frustration and discouragement this week, and have been very tempted to throw in the towel. Yet, here's the thanksgiving: God has answered a prayer, by sending someone specifically to encourage me, so I have not felt so alone in the struggle. So my Godstop today is Mary. And I thank God for her.

happy 4th

I'm thinking of our friends who are celebrating 4th of July today... Happy 4th!

feet a-dragging

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
- Elizabeth Stone

Well, my heart is taking a bruising.

After a mere two days at school, J has started dragging his feet. He tells me he doesn't want to go to school; this morning, he said his head was giddy, so he couldn't go. I hate to see him dread something so much.

He's been through this before. At his two previous preschools (for four months before we left for Claremont, and then while we were in Claremont), I heard the same thing with some degree of regularity: I don't want to go to school, mom... And E, who takes her cue from him in just about everything, has started echoing him.

This is what I think it is: he gets over the novelty of something pretty fast and bores easily. So after the novelty of the first day at school, he's pretty much done with it!

I don't quite know how to break it to him that he has TWENTY years (or so) of school ahead of him!

All I can do now is pray that God will bless each day for both J and E, that they will find joy in their time at school, that they build good relationships with their friends and teachers; and that they may be filled with a joyful spirit.

and off they went

J and E were clearly looking forward to it: they got up by themselves bright and early this morning - before 7am!

Daddy waited for us, and we all left the house together. He said a prayer for them after getting them into the car and I drove them to school. J seemed a little lost when we got there: there weren't that many toys laid out that he could see; E was just excited to see a whole fish tank of goldfish. I left after a hug and a kiss each.

They both ran to me when I arrived to pick them up later. I think they had a pretty good time - it's been a while since they've had school and J's been asking about going to school. E did refuse to leave her kor-kor's side all morning, I was told, and so he had to stay with her class. But I'll leave her teachers to sort that one out!

Otherwise, they both did great. I think I was a little bit of a wreck all morning, wondering how they were doing.

pre-preschool jitters

Not the kids.

Me.

Tomorrow the kids start school. And even though I have been looking forward to it for a while now, today I am feeling ambivalent. I am a little nervous of the unknown: unknown school, unknown friends, unknown teachers. All for fifteen hours a week. When they go to school tomorrow, it will be their first step into the real world here in Singapore.

Yes, I know this is just preschool.

Still. I have been thinking of their teachers, how they have the power to build up or tear down my children, through the interactions that they will have. I wonder if they will ever know how much they have been prayed for and prayed over.

Sunday

bambini

We came home to discover that indoor playgrounds have sprouted up in different places in Singapore over the past year! Woo-hoo!


The fun-nest part for me: seeing J taking his mei-mei by hand and guiding her along some of the more complicated parts of the play structure (so that she can get to the top of the slide), and then getting to watch them pop out of the end of the slide one after another in quick succession with big grins on their faces.

The second best part: having two very tired kids by the end of the day.

baby steps

Thank you to all who covered us in prayer today.

The interview went very smoothly. The assessor was very friendly, and all she really wanted was to have more details to put into her report. Mostly, it was just us elaborating on what we had already written in our application form. The interview took about two hours, but wasn't too difficult really.

What's left on the to-do list:
- we still have a couple of documents to submit (each time we think we are done with the checklist of documents, we find we have to hand in something else!);
- we have to attend a compulsory workshop next month (and figure out what to do about childcare for J and E while we're there);
- we have to schedule a time for the assessor to visit us at home (probably in the next week or two)

We would love your prayers over these too!

first interview

We have our first interview for our home study report tomorrow afternoon. Please keep us in prayer, that we may find favour with the authorities, and that the process will go smoothly.

***

I tore into today's mail because our adoption agency had told me yesterday that a CD was on its way to us. We now have a few more updated photos and three teensy-weensy short video-clips. In one of them, Noah is crying.

I did not know it, but I had forgotten what a new baby's cry sounds like. In my life right now, the cries are angry, loud and fierce. Noah's cry is plaintive, and as he cries, his arms flail helplessly.

How I long to sweep him into my arms, to comfort him, to tell him, "It's going to be ok, little one."

breathless

My plate feels a little too full.

My online classes at Fuller Theological Seminary started this week. I am more than slightly intimidated, and am feeling very overwhelmed. I am just not sure that I am up to balancing this with the kids, the adoption paperwork, the new baby (when he comes), and managing the preschoolers' class at church.

I am reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ.

But I am still feeling breathless. I wonder what a panic attack feels like. Because what I am feeling sure feels like one.