pre-preschool jitters

Not the kids.

Me.

Tomorrow the kids start school. And even though I have been looking forward to it for a while now, today I am feeling ambivalent. I am a little nervous of the unknown: unknown school, unknown friends, unknown teachers. All for fifteen hours a week. When they go to school tomorrow, it will be their first step into the real world here in Singapore.

Yes, I know this is just preschool.

Still. I have been thinking of their teachers, how they have the power to build up or tear down my children, through the interactions that they will have. I wonder if they will ever know how much they have been prayed for and prayed over.

Sunday

bambini

We came home to discover that indoor playgrounds have sprouted up in different places in Singapore over the past year! Woo-hoo!


The fun-nest part for me: seeing J taking his mei-mei by hand and guiding her along some of the more complicated parts of the play structure (so that she can get to the top of the slide), and then getting to watch them pop out of the end of the slide one after another in quick succession with big grins on their faces.

The second best part: having two very tired kids by the end of the day.

baby steps

Thank you to all who covered us in prayer today.

The interview went very smoothly. The assessor was very friendly, and all she really wanted was to have more details to put into her report. Mostly, it was just us elaborating on what we had already written in our application form. The interview took about two hours, but wasn't too difficult really.

What's left on the to-do list:
- we still have a couple of documents to submit (each time we think we are done with the checklist of documents, we find we have to hand in something else!);
- we have to attend a compulsory workshop next month (and figure out what to do about childcare for J and E while we're there);
- we have to schedule a time for the assessor to visit us at home (probably in the next week or two)

We would love your prayers over these too!

first interview

We have our first interview for our home study report tomorrow afternoon. Please keep us in prayer, that we may find favour with the authorities, and that the process will go smoothly.

***

I tore into today's mail because our adoption agency had told me yesterday that a CD was on its way to us. We now have a few more updated photos and three teensy-weensy short video-clips. In one of them, Noah is crying.

I did not know it, but I had forgotten what a new baby's cry sounds like. In my life right now, the cries are angry, loud and fierce. Noah's cry is plaintive, and as he cries, his arms flail helplessly.

How I long to sweep him into my arms, to comfort him, to tell him, "It's going to be ok, little one."

breathless

My plate feels a little too full.

My online classes at Fuller Theological Seminary started this week. I am more than slightly intimidated, and am feeling very overwhelmed. I am just not sure that I am up to balancing this with the kids, the adoption paperwork, the new baby (when he comes), and managing the preschoolers' class at church.

I am reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ.

But I am still feeling breathless. I wonder what a panic attack feels like. Because what I am feeling sure feels like one.

bug a-crawling

We saw a bug a-crawling on our evening walk yesterday, which led to a little debate over what kind of bug it was.

K: It's a worm.

J: No, dad! It has legs... Worms don't have legs...

We think now that it was a little caterpillar.

Sunday

Whenever I get depressed by a lack of spiritual progress, I realise that my very dismay is a sign of progress. I have the sense of slipping further from God mainly because I have a clearer idea of what God desires and how far short I fall.

Philip Yancey, Prayer: Does it make any difference?

two months today

Our newest baby turns two months old today, and we have no way to give him an extra-special cuddle. We are saving all the cuddles up for when we finally meet him!

We have been asked why we've decided to adopt. In our culture, adoption is viewed with some ambivalence. It is usually a last resort, and is often accompanied by whispers and sidelong glances. We have met with some people, even in church, who do not understand why we would want to adopt. Here's our answer, give or take a few words...

We have felt God leading us to this decision, which we made not rashly but deliberately. This is the gist of it: this baby is God's plan for us, as much as J and E are God's plan for our family.

God is the defender of the fatherless, and he calls us to do the same (Isaiah 1:17). One of our dearest friends gave me much food for thought when she said when we adopt, we get a little peek into our Father's heart, His love for the fatherless, the orphans and the lost.

We are God's adopted children too (Ephesians 1:3-6). There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Because God adopted us, we are now members of his household and we are his children and his heirs. This is what I want to tell him when I finally meet him: Never be ashamed because you are adopted. God adopted us, and it is a beautiful thing.


His name will be Noah, which I think sounds strong and solid. It means peace, rest and comfort. Just as the biblical Noah stood firm, obeying God even when he was laughed at and mocked, we pray that our Noah will also be strong and stand firm, if and when he meets people who do not understand how beautiful adoption is.

G6PD

We learned a few days ago that our baby is G6PD deficient. What this means basically is that he lacks a certain enzyme that helps his red blood cells function normally. He will have to avoid certain medications and foods his whole life, and may react more severely to certain infections.

We are still planning on adopting him.

This deficiency should not stop him from leading a full, healthy life; we just have to be a bit more careful with medications and food. Here's the Godstop: we know three of the youths in our church here, who have this same deficiency, all of whom are avid rugby players and all of whom look hale and hearty to us.

So while we wait for him to come home with us, we pray that God will keep him safe and healthy.

Sunday

new bikes!

ready to be the big sister

E doesn't have enough words to say all that she wants to say, so she uses what words she does know, and fills in the blanks with "eh-eh". She can manage a whole paragraph this way, but you have to know the context to be able to understand what it is she's saying.

Yesterday she told our dinner guest, completely unsolicited:

New baby... eh-eh... come... eh-eh... home... big zhe-zhe...

She's looking forward to becoming a big sister once our new baby joins us!

We're so proud of her.

She's talking to daddy at work.

daily bread

For a few weeks now, we have been saying the Lord's prayer with our kids just before bed. Long enough for E to ask to say it and for J to remember key phrases like our daily bread.

This morning the kids had Sunshine bread's chocolate cream roll for breakfast. Naturally it was a hit.

J turned to me and said, "Mom, this is my daily bread."

LOL.

plodding along

There is apparently a long waiting list for home study reports to be done in Singapore and we have to get in line. We've been told that it will take about 10 weeks to get our report done, which is about a month longer than I had anticipated.

So we cannot take custody of our baby until our home study report is done. And it is a little disappointing that we have to wait a little longer, but I'm trusting that God will work all these out, that His timing will be perfect and better than we could ever plan it ourselves.

bird park

J and E's first visit to the bird park. J had to get over some initial crankiness, but once he did, he loved the pelicans.

He also got to channel his inner macaw.

E spent the bulk of our time there asleep!
More photos on Facebook.

learning chinese

I've been really lousy about exposing J and E to Chinese. It's been so convenient being able to speak it to K when we don't want them to understand what we're talking about! But gradually, J's picking up some of the language.

At bedtime just now:

J: Mom, how to say no in chinese?

Me: Bu yao.

J: Mom, bu yao... (points to his bedroom...)

Four years on, he still fights his bedtime.

arm akimbo

E got her first real scrape at church yesterday. She did really well, very brave, just a short bout of tears. But she's been milking it for all its worth. Every time she remembers, she holds her arm out akimbo, and tells me, "Hurt... chuch..."

Here's her arm, with a Thomas band-aid on, picked out for her by kor-kor when he heard her complaining of the hurt. (He's totally sweet, ran to get the first-aid kit himself.) She had a Winnie-the-Pooh one yesterday.

Sunday

tumbling

Up until recently, I have only thought of our adopted baby's birthparents in the most amorphous of ways. Obviously, there had to be a birth mother and a birth father. But that was it; I gave them no more thought.

This changed a few days ago, when we were given a copy of the baby's birth certificate. We saw the baby's full name, and his birthparents' full names.

I felt a tumble of emotions. First off, it felt a little disquieting, I have to admit. In my mind, this made them real: actual people who had chosen to give up their baby for adoption. There was a part of me that felt, a little irrationally, I suppose, like a baby-snatcher. I had to remind myself that they had given him up for adoption first.

Seeing them as real people also made me think a little bit more of the gravity of their choice. I wonder about the circumstances that led to their choice. I wonder about how they must feel having had to make that choice. I cannot imagine how heartwrenching it must have been. I am afraid to imagine how heartwrenching it must have been.

For days and months and years to come, I know that will be someone who will wonder about this baby: where he is, what life he is leading, even what he looks like. Will they think every day, I wonder what he's doing now, right this very minute?

And like the flipside of a coin, this baby, who will grow up, as all children do, into a curious being, will wonder about his birthparents, his birth family, his country of birth. He will have questions that I will have no answers to. And what answers I do have will not be enough.

a walk along the kallang river

J now needs no prompting. He saw me holding the camera and called out," Cheese...".

View when we head south along the river, part of Singapore's downtown

View of our apartment block
(We are in the second block from the right.)

kor-kor and zhe-zhe

We've been talking with J and E a lot about the baby's impending arrival.

And it has been incredibly precious to see how excited they are. They have both promised to share their toys. (We'll see how that works out...) They are both looking forward to helping mommy with the baby. E is pretty keen on teaching the baby to walk. And I think she's pretty happy about being the big zhe-zhe.

Today's conversation in the car with J:

J: Mom, I wish we can have our new baby already.

Me: I know, me too. You know, maybe that's something we should pray about later. That God will bring our new baby to us quickly.

J: Yay! Maybe our new baby will come tomorrow.

Me: Er, no, I don't think so...

heart all aflutter

It's been an exciting two days for me.

Every time I check my email and see something from the adoption agency, my hearts starts beating a little faster.

Yesterday, I received a whole bunch of new photos, taken just a couple of days ago. Finally, something with his eyes open! I spent a frantic few minutes trying to save everything into iPhoto, all the while fighting an irrational fear that the email containing these precious shots would just disappear. When K came back with the kids from the playground, I had to yell at him to come see.

We now have exactly 26 photos. Yes, I counted.

This afternoon, another email - telling me that it looks like the baby's passport could be ready earlier than we thought, by end July. So we could potentially have him in Singapore by early August. Would we like to take custody of him then or wait until end August (which was the original approximate date given to us)?

Duh. The earlier the better lah, I want to wail. (The heart is pounding all the while.)

So please continue to keep us in prayer: especially for us to complete our home study report quickly; and for no delays in the process of getting his passport.

words of wisdom

Mom, teasing is not good. Because it can make your friends angry and sad.

letter to my children

Our family will look different from most. And that's ok.

It's ok because God made our family. He planned for each of the three of you to be part of our family, to be our children. And for that, your dad and I are incredibly thankful. Because all three of you are special to us.

Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

We have much ahead of us. There will certainly be challenges, some of which may cause you to question the make up of our family. But this is the fundamental idea that you must hold on to: God brought us together as a family, and His plans and ways are perfect.

So it's ok if you get angry with each other or if you fight with each other. But our prayer is, that at the end of the day, you will have each other's backs; that you will always come to the support of the one who needs you; and that you will love each other always.

Just as God loves each of you. Just as dad and I love each of you.

Mom

adventures in candyland

J is at the stage where he's figuring out that he won't always win at games. And he doesn't like that idea one bit.

And so he'd rather not play at all.

Edited to add: I have been reminded that I was just like this too when I was young! Huge temper tantrums if I failed to win.

it's a boy!

He arrived in this world on 19 April 2008, which makes him just about six weeks old!

We've seen a few pictures of him, just enough to see his chubby cheeks and soft downy hair. We are eagerly awaiting more pictures, and maybe some videos too.

***
We're waiting on a couple of things. While we've submitted our paperwork for our home study report, we haven't yet gone through the necessary interviews. At the same time, we're waiting for the baby's passport to be done. The home study report and the passport will be major milestones for us, because once those are done he'll be able to leave his birth country (the Philippines) and fly to Singapore to join us. So pray with us: that it'll be a smooth and easy process.

a little progress

How are do we choose?

How do we say we'll take this baby and not the other?

This has been the hardest thing for us so far. We've spent days praying and trying to make a choice between two babies that we had narrowed it down to. I spent most of those days vacillating between the two. Being very much like a pendulum.

I finally called the adoption agency two days ago, and was told that one of the babies had been adopted already. So we didn't have to choose in the end! An answer to prayer, this not having to make the decision. Surely this was God's way of directing us to the baby He meant for us to have.

Sunday