tumbling

Up until recently, I have only thought of our adopted baby's birthparents in the most amorphous of ways. Obviously, there had to be a birth mother and a birth father. But that was it; I gave them no more thought.

This changed a few days ago, when we were given a copy of the baby's birth certificate. We saw the baby's full name, and his birthparents' full names.

I felt a tumble of emotions. First off, it felt a little disquieting, I have to admit. In my mind, this made them real: actual people who had chosen to give up their baby for adoption. There was a part of me that felt, a little irrationally, I suppose, like a baby-snatcher. I had to remind myself that they had given him up for adoption first.

Seeing them as real people also made me think a little bit more of the gravity of their choice. I wonder about the circumstances that led to their choice. I wonder about how they must feel having had to make that choice. I cannot imagine how heartwrenching it must have been. I am afraid to imagine how heartwrenching it must have been.

For days and months and years to come, I know that will be someone who will wonder about this baby: where he is, what life he is leading, even what he looks like. Will they think every day, I wonder what he's doing now, right this very minute?

And like the flipside of a coin, this baby, who will grow up, as all children do, into a curious being, will wonder about his birthparents, his birth family, his country of birth. He will have questions that I will have no answers to. And what answers I do have will not be enough.