new eyes

The amniocentesis was today. I had a last minute moment of panic but then the nurse called my name, and it was too late to change my mind. The doctor who did the procedure was wonderful - he had a great bedside manner, was very calm and reassuring, and was kind enough to tell me when he was going to start so that I could squeeze my eyes shut.

Now we wait. Could be any time from a week to three weeks.

It's been an emotional day for me. I started out mostly nervous about the actual procedure, but once that was done, my mind moved on to other things to fret about.

Mainly about the possibility of having a child with Downs.

There are many things about it that trouble me, but right now what I am struggling with the most is this. If this child has Downs, his or her differences are always on display.

It's hard for me to think about how this child may be dismissed or laughed at, the moment someone lays eyes on him.

The other kids certainly aren't perfect. And Noah has his own story, a different one from most people. But he gets to choose whether or not to tell people. When he grows up and makes his own friends, it will be his choice, whether he decides to tell them that he is adopted.

If this child has Downs, he or she won't have that choice. The physical markers that set this child apart will be obvious.

That's hard for me. Just the prospect of other people making fun of my child or dismissing my child is hard.

It's a little glimpse into the Father's heart for us.

How hard it is for Him to see us being unkind to the people around us, being dismissive, impatient even, with those who are different from us. Because they are His children too, and He loves them just as fiercely as He loves us.

And on the flip side, God who sees our every flaw, our every shortcoming, still chooses to love us, to woo us, to save us.