submission

We have been so blessed to have prayers lifted up for us and words of encouragement said to us. I am immensely grateful for them.

As I am immensely grateful for the people who have given voice to them.

In the past few weeks, I have been told that God will take care of us. I have been told that God will deliver us. I have been told that God will bless us.

The thing is I do not doubt any of these.

I have faith that God will take care of us, that He will deliver us, that He will bless us.

That is who God is.

And yet.

There is a line in a Casting Crowns song that we discovered recently (and that we love) that talks about the difference between "the God we want" and "the God who is".

The reality is that God could take care of us, could deliver us, could bless us by letting us have a child who has Downs or Edwards.

If that is God's plan for us, then ultimately that care, that deliverance, that blessing will come. I know this in my head, even though I cannot see it now.

And because I cannot see it now, it is simply not what I want. It is not what I would choose. It is not how I want God to be. This is my biggest struggle right now. To reconcile the outcome that I want, with the outcome that God chooses to give. The nub of it all is submission.

I am struggling to submit my heart's wants, desires, dreams to what God has planned for me, for us. I am struggling to trade my dreams for His. To not be caught in the middle.