swinging

It has been almost a week since we got our risk assessment. It has felt like much longer.

It has been an exhausting time, but I think I am finally starting to feel some peace again. I swing from one end to the other several times each day, but at least there is peace at one end. I cannot explain it, the peace, except to say that it must be the result of many prayers lifted up on our behalf. Then at the other end is fear and worry, which grip my heart when I try to comprehend the enormity of having a child with special needs, or of having a child who will not live long, if at all.

My mind knows this: my God is good, my God is faithful, my God is loving, my God wants to bless. This past weekend my heart did not know these things. But inexplicably, I think my heart is finally starting to catch up with my head. It is not a smooth linear process. I take a few steps forward, only to fall behind again, but I am thankful that there is any movement at all.

I was convinced yesterday evening, just felt so sure in my heart, that this baby would have Trisomy 18. Then this morning, I felt sure that God would work a miracle, and that the baby would be born healthy. I cannot hear clearly, because my heart is beating so loudly. I am too afraid to ask for a miracle, because I don't know if I am strong enough for that prayer to go unanswered. But then I wonder if I just have too little faith.

So I swing back and forth. I want to get off the swing, to put my feet on the ground, to feel steady again. I want to grasp the hand of Jesus. But I am still swinging, even though the arc feels like it is getting smaller and I am getting closer to the ground. The tears shed with us, the words of encouragement we have received, the words of Scripture said to us, the prayers prayed over us: these are the weights that slow the swing down.

I am more grateful for them than I can say.